Christmas is a Tough Time
I don’t know about you guys, but for me Christmas has always sucked, and not in the good way.
I think this is true for lots of different kinds of people. People without children, people with difficult relationships with their families, single people, sensitive people - and I fit pretty much all of those categories.
I think I’m not technically single right now, but it’s a stormy on-again off-again kind of connection, and besides, he’s not here right now, he’s a few hundred miles away visiting his family, and I’m all alone, and have been for a few days. And we were fighting before he left, because I’m a jerk who can’t stay “faithful”. Not that he didn’t know that, it’s been my big problem all my life, and I warned him. I did warn him.
I just wish he weren’t so good to be with, I’d just be a truly flaming asshole and drive him away, like I’ve done so many times before. I’ve been thinking it’s a good sign, that I haven’t felt the overwhelming need to get away from him, that I still like having him in the apartment, that the sex is still really good, that I don’t feel like he’s only with me for my money, that I find him interesting to talk with when we aren’t fucking, all these things that usually have been a problem for me in the past.
Maybe I’m “growing up”? No, that can’t be it.
But, being with him has made writing a bit harder. I’m worried that he’ll read this stuff some day and be hurt. And I would like to talk about some things I’ve done, but I worry that he’ll read about it and not understand.
Even tho I warned him and warned him.
Anyway, it’ll be a somewhat more lonely Christmas than usual. I’m probably going to masturbate about a dozen times, instead of going out and finding someone.
What are you guys going to do this Christmas?
